A case study about trauma responses that are triggered in romantic relationships with men, by certified Tantric Sexologist, Luna Lova
For many years, I have been looking for a man and a partner by my side. I have a big longing to find a partner with whom I can dive deep, share memories and raise some healthy and free-spirited children. Also, a partner where I can be my authentic self, so someone who can see and support me to be, even if it means showing my anger or sadness or my powerful life force.
As a person, I have always been curious about human behaviours and patterns. Which traumas do we come with, and how can we support and heal each other when needed? Why do I shut myself down in certain relationships and make myself small, and in others, I don't? Why are there certain parts of my feelings I feel safe in and others where I would do anything in the world to hide it?
During my education with Tantric Sexology (TS) I have had a longing to understand and feel into what trauma responses are triggered, especially in relationship to men. And most importantly, why?
In our first module at TS we were introduced to the nervous system, and I loved how tangible this tool has been to feel and become aware of what happens in my body in certain situations. When does my body freeze? When do I fight or flee? And when is my fawn response activated, so I become a pleaser-person? Additionally, how can I regulate or co-regulate to relax and feel safe in my body again?
In this case study, I'm going to introduce you to a personal exploration of my body when it comes to traumas that are triggered when I engage in a romantic relationship with a man. I will share my discoveries of Which trauma responses are triggered when I'm in a romantic relationship with a man. Furthermore, I will describe the bodily sensations and where they come from (the root of the trauma). Finally I will give examples of how I regulated or co-regulated to feel calm and safe in my body again.
I will give an introduction to the Nervous system, describe its purpose, and analyse how it was shown in my body. The written experiences are real events that have happened from when I started the education in 2023 (may) until November 2024. First, I will give a small introduction to who I am and what I grew up in.
The background of the author.
I grew up in the 90s in a safe home with both parents and two older siblings (9 and 11 years older than me). Both my parents were self-employed, so they worked a lot. I remember my childhood to be safe and loving, and they had told me that I could be anything I put my mind to. At the age of 5, I started playing football, and until I was 18 years old, I had played a lot of different sports, mostly semi-professional, all where I triumphed.
At the age of 16 I played football professionally in Spain. I had the support of my parents; they came to watch my games, and they were very engaged. In school, I had very few girlfriends, only the ones from sports and in my younger age I hung out with the guys until my teenage years, when I became messy because some of the guys liked me, so feelings were involved.
Looking back at my childhood, I grew up in an environment where masculine attributes were most valued. There was a lot of fast pace, always a booked calendar and competition. Being number 1 was always the goal. My experience of being successful and acknowledged was to work hard and be number one at any cause. I identified myself as daddy's girl, and I learned from a young age to stand on my own feet and to be independent, where showing emotions felt like a sign of weakness. My mom encouraged me to put words to my feelings, but I remember it to be too painful and a waste of time. It felt uncomfortable to do so. My dad was a person with few words when it comes to expressing feelings and it became also my go-to, until my mom died when I was 25 years old and there was no other way than to give space to my sorrow, anger and everything that was related to losing a part of my foundation, my mom.
In the coming section, I will describe the nervous system, so afterwards, I can use the theory to explain how it has been shown in my body.
The nervous system
The nervous system has been a tangible tool for me to track my body and system when I have been uncomfortable and felt certain sensations in my body. Deb Dana (2018) refers to the nervous system as the science of safety, “the science of feeling safe enough to fall in love with life and take the risk of living (p. XVii). The human condition is that we come into the world to connect safely with other humans (p. 7). Through our breath, we breathe oxygen into our body, which is an essential factor for humans to survive. Our nervous system is our personal surveillance system that always seeks a situation where the body feels safe and can breathe normally. Dana refers to this place as the Ventral vagal, where social connection and engagement are secured. In this state, the human body can breathe fully and feels safe to be seen, heard, and to connect with others.
When we relate with other people, the nervous systems collect clues about where it's safe to connect and where it's not. And it adjusts its behavior depending on what social engagement it is in. This mechanism happens far before the rational brain is activated (Dana, 2018, p. 8), and it often happens unconsciously. “The autonomic nervous system doesn't make a judgment about good and bad; it simply acts to manage any risk and seek safety” (2018: p. 6)
Every time the nervous system detects clues of unsafety, it will use one of the four trauma responses to reestablish the status quo: flight, fight, fawn, and freeze. Sometimes, it tries to activate more than one of them depending on what is necessary for survival. Always with the objective to come back to the ventral vagus; social connection and engagement is safe. I have in the coming described the four responses.
The four trauma responses.
Flight: Avoidance, feeling trapped, anxiety, and panic attacks. Overthinking, perfectionism, and overworking.
Fight: Push through, fast action, anger, and explosiveness.
Fawning: Numb its own needs and accept whatever another person proposes or means. People pleaser, no boundaries, lack of identity, and avoid conflicts for any cause.
Freeze: In this response, the body will seek stillness or numbness, conserving energy to take you out of awareness and connection to a situation. In the worst case, the body collapses. Characterizations of this response are also when you feel “not here” and isolated (Dana, 2018, p. 23).
Dana (2018, p. 32) also uses a ladder to illustrate where each of the responses are placed and how far away from the ventral vagal they are. The ladder illustrates that mobilization is closest (fight or flight response) and immobilization is furthest away (fawn and freeze response). The body, therefore, needs to go through mobilization to enter the ventral vagal, where it is safe to connect. So, to recover from a freeze or collapse, you need to move up towards the sympathetic system in order to reach the ventral vagal.
A daily life with the nervous system
On a daily basis, it's normal that the body goes into all four trauma responses. They are activated when we relate to other people. It can come when you, for a moment, feel disrespected if a colleague is not listening to you (fx. fight) or when you are talking and are suddenly being interrupted (fx. freeze). It can be when you feel pressured by a deadline that your boss informs you about (fx.flight) or when a colleague is asking for help and you can't say no, even if you wanted to (fx. fawn). How a person reacts to a certain situation can be individual, so one will freeze and another will go into a fawn or fight. It's therefore crucial for each one to feel into what is alive individually.
The problem with these automatic responses can be the perceptions of danger because, in many cases, it doesn't correspond to “real danger”. The danger of being killed. Also, the clues of safety are often established from an early age, so they correspond to what happened to us when we were a baby and during childhood. Therefore, many of these behaviors and patterns are created in relationship to our parents, caretakers, siblings, and groups of friends from a young age.
The NS will do anything to get back to the Ventral Vagal, even if it means that you can create certain patterns or habits that are not in your true nature. As a human, you, therefore, learn to keep your mouth shut instead of speaking your opinion, or you stop yourself from crying or getting angry because you have experienced that it is not “safe” or “acknowledged to show. In connection with other people, you learn what attributions and behaviors are accepted and acknowledged (unconsciously and consciously). The problem lies if we stay activated for a longer time “than necessary” or all the time because the system doesn't have enough resources to regulate itself or with others. If the NS doesn't have resources to come back to the Ventral vagal, where it's safe to socially connect and engage, it can create chronic stress or momentary pain or a body that is simply activated or shut down all the time.
An exploration of the Nervous system when I relate romantically with a man
In the coming section, I will describe which trauma responses are triggered when I'm in a romantic relationship with a man and how it's shown in my body. Furthermore, I will describe the bodily sensations and where they come from (the root of the trauma). Finally, I will give examples of how I regulated or co-regulated to feel calm and safe in my body again.
Through my TS education, I have discovered trauma responses that have been triggered when I'm in romantic relationships with a man. Some of the patterns I have discovered are:
A tendency is to act as if I am fine even if it is not true. A part of the trauma response is flight because I will go into avoidance and neglect my feelings. I would especially avoid it, if he was the one triggering the emotions in me. Fx: triggers of sadness or frustration. Another response is fawn; I will avoid my own needs and encourage him to put words to how he feels.
Afterwards, I would be aware of my needs and feelings being suppressed, and I would share it with a female friend or therapist. I might share it with him when I was regulated, balanced, and in control of it. But only when I had taken full responsibility for it. I'm also aware that if I share it with a man, I will try to make it short, cut to the chase, and I would feel uncomfortable if I spent “too much” time on it and me. (In relationship to women, I would give it more time and take my space and time). The fawn response is again shown because I will numb my own needs and voice.
Furthermore, I have a tendency to show off the good girl and mostly share feelings if they are positive. I would avoid heavy feelings; sadness, or frustration. In general, I have shame around my range,r and my trauma response would freeze because I would numb it and suppress it at any cause. It would feel like an out-of-body experience, so both an avoidance (flight) where I will disappear from my body or numb it (Freeze).
For years, it has been important for me to create a space for a man where he can put words to his feelings, and I would embrace and support him to talk about it, both his desires in life but also if he felt anger og sadness. What I have learned later on is that it is my big longing to have a man who can hold me. Especially when I'm sad, frustrated, or angry. So, a part of me would seek approval from a male figure to feel the importance of emotions and, therefore, hopefully give me the same. Instead of owning it myself and trusting what I feel is important, I would seek for a male figure in my life to approve of it.
Lastly, I have discovered that I, with men, have my guard down, and I wouldn't set boundaries to his verbal accusation. My system would be open to criticism, and I would be open to hearing how he feels negatively about me. I would look at the situation and see how I could be a better person, take more responsibility, meet him differently, and adjust to his needs. In many ways, I would carry the responsibility of our disagreement instead of putting up boundaries, stating my view and “Fight back” to value my needs.. In my system, I would feel a freeze and out-of-body experience, and mentally, I would try to understand why this criticism was accurate for me.
Where do these trauma responses come from?
In this section, I will write about my relationship with my dad. Since he represents the male role model and the most important man in my life when growing up, I have discovered that the relationship with him has created patterns (trauma responses) and behaviors I adapted to feel safe and connected with him. These trauma responses can indicate what I would do and not do to feel loved, safe, and connected with him. (From a nervous system perspective; to be in The Ventral vagal).
Growing up as a child, we didn't talk about emotions, whether we were happy or sad. When there was a conflict with my parents, my dad would most likely leave. I would feel sorry for him and take his party. I would take his party because I saw him as the weakest and the one needing help and support. I learned that being angry and showing my emotions was bad because it would hurt my dad. I learned to be a good girl who would not share emotions because I unconsciously felt that he would be uncomfortable and a sign of weakness. Furthermore, I remember that my dad had little tolerance for me crying or of me being angry. He didn't know how to handle it. Sometimes, he would shut me down or give me consequences if I kept doing it. On some occasions, he would start crying himself, which would make me stop and then take care of him. Since I identified myself as daddy's girl, he would be my inner compass to what was right to do and say and what was not
If he showed his anger towards me, I could feel a certain responsibility for it happening. I would identify it as being my fault for causing him pain, and I would not move or go anywhere but be on the spot to receive the anger that was earned. .
Special moments with my dad would be when we were watching 007 or Danish crime series. He helped me with math, drove me 2-3 times a week to football training, and we spent a lot of time in stadiums to watch football or handball. I remember spending a lot of time with my dad as a child and in my teenage years, but I don't remember playing with kids' toys with him. It would be more on his terms, meeting his needs, when we were together or if it had a practical outcome.
In the following section, I will share some real-life experiences describing how my nervous system reacted in certain situations and what I did to regulate or co-regulate my system.
From flight and freeze to a regulated nervous system
I went on a vacation with a man I was seeing, and on our first days, he triggered feelings in me of “ not being enough for him,” and I felt anger and sadness. I became aware of this on the third day. I knew in my mind that I was in a safe and secure relationship where I could put words to anything, but I was speechless and felt numbness and avoidance in my body. It gave me pain in my solar plexus, and I had a feeling of leaving my body. He could feel something was wrong and asked if I wanted to put words to it, but I was not able to do it. According to Dana (2018) I went into flight mode; wanting to escape and avoid the situation. I felt like screaming, which I told him, but I wasn't able to. I felt ashamed around it. After some hours in this state, both where I was trying to distract myself but also trying to allow all of me, I told him that I needed some time for myself to deal with this. I went back to our hotel room and fell asleep on the bed. I could feel my body collapsing and going into freeze mode because the event was too overwhelming for my system.
After a nap, I got more clarity on the situation and became aware of my longing to be held when crying. I also know it would be good for me to put words to my feelings. So I invited him back to my room. I told him to lie down on the bed with me and hold his arms around me. Slowly, I could allow tears to come while being held. I put words to how I felt and told him about my inner discovery while tears were coming out. I could feel shame around sharing it, but I surrendered to him and trusted that I would survive this. A part of the practice also became to have eye contact with him when possible; it was important for me to be seen and feel safe when I looked at him. My body slowly calmed down, I felt more sensations in my body.
Anger release to regulate the nervous system
I was going through a breakup. I had decided to end a relationship with a man, and I became aware of how important it was that I start holding space and room for myself; to cry, to embrace all of me and everything I felt. The breakup had created a great deal of anger and sorrow in my system. I was angry that I (once again) failed to find a partner, angry that he couldn't pull himself together and give me what I wanted. And I felt sorrow to lose the connection with him. I started by stretching my body and allowing myself to voice whatever was alive in my throat. I used a pillow to scream into and liberate the tension and energy within my system. I could feel how it was releasing and how the anger and sorrow were not only connected with this breakup but very old. Images from other situations came up. I allowed it to run through me even though I felt shame around it. I stayed with the shame and the pain while screaming. The next couple of days I repeated the exercise whenever I felt the need for it. When going to bed, I allowed myself to fully cry with and without sound. I could feel that my system wanted to shut down, but I gently pushed it to stay with the pain longer. I surrendered into the pain and allowed for tears and voices to come out. To let the air and inner energy come out. I allowed my body to express itself instead of letting my mind control it. The next couple of days, I kept checking in with myself and created space for my body to voice its needs. I experienced that by holding space to myself, I had more sorrow and anger to let out. More than I have experienced before (or allowed myself to feel). But days after I felt a new grounding and lightness in my body and a mind with less thoughts about it. An acceptance of the situation.
Where am I today?
It has been a profound work to investigate and feel into how my body reacts when I’m in a romantic relationship with a men. This case study has given me a better understanding and created an extra amount of self care to the areas of my life where have had big wounds and traumas. The areas in my life where it has been more difficult for me to be authentic and show all of me. Sometimes my Go-To is still to forget the importance of what I feel and add a fast pace into my life, but I will quicker than before, come back to my body and feel into what is needed. My awareness and signs to a not regulated nervous system are clear and it supports me to use my tools, so I can regulate the system again. It can both be with self-regulation or reaching out to a friend who can hold space for me.
With the trauma work I have done, I have now become a match to people who can hold me in the safe space I need; where tears are not being judged and I speak more freely in relation to men, both my dad, male friends, and in romantic relationships. I can still feel how my body reacts to it, like coming out of af freeze, and it just shows me that I’m on the right path. Amazing, right? I have not found a partner, yet, but my longing has also changed, strangely enough?? The longing feels less alive in my system and my rational explanation for that, is that I feel that my needs are being meet more in generel. It is both in the relationship to my dad, a dear friend and the people around me.
How has this journey shaped me as a Professional? In this field, my own embodiment is essential when it comes to holding space and supporting others through trauma releases. As I work with the body and the embodied experience, it is crucial that I am regulated and grounded in my system when I have a client. If not, then I can potentially re-traumatise my client, the role can shift, so it is client who is “taking care of me,” or a client's body can simply feel “not safe” to share because my system is not ready to meet him or her. A profound work as Trauma work is, I always recommend that you choose a practitioner who is doing their own embodiment.
If you feeling a longing to start your own embodiment journey and feel call to work with me, please reach out to me through Instagram @lunalova_inspiratorandcoach
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